Big news everyone! I’m officially an athlete. OK, I see confusion on some of your faces, so allow me to explain.

I was in a department store, looking to purchase some trousers. I saw some from the Dockers line of the Levi Strauss company, in a style branded “Athletic,” and I ignored them at first. However, when I couldn’t find “relaxed fit” I returned to them. Turns out, athletic trousers are just the type I need.

First, they sit below the waist. Athletes such as myself store a lot of energy in the waist area, and we need pants that conform to our physique, which God has designed for spectacular performance.

Second, it offers extra room in the thighs and “seat.” As you know if we’ve met, I store a lot of energy in those areas as well. It’s important to have deep energy reserves for whenever I do something athletic, like get up from a chair. But also, and this is just as important, sitting back down in that chair. This is what’s known as “high intensity interval training,” and I’m able to endure very long intervals.

The legs are tapered. Partly because if they weren’t they’d use 50% more cotton. But this also cuts down on wind resistance if I need to move, cheetah-like, toward a buffet table. And let’s not forget, we athletes are style icons, and of course turn to the Dockers line to stay on the cutting edge of fashion.

Finally, the material stretches. An absolute must for athletic activities that cause our haunches to flex and bulge. Examples include getting out of a car, or mercurial employment of the 5-second rule.

On behalf of all athletes: thank you, Levi Strauss & Co. Your acumen in fashionable athletic-wear is unrivaled.